Varsity Cup 2014 from the perspective of a rookie….
Opening ceremony, is this all a dream?
Made even better with the Lake Nona Ice Cream.
Jimmy Mac’s intros had us in fits,
Caves Valley’s shirts were defo the tits!
With Shots on the bar and Jay Jones on the decks,
The Varsity stage had officially been set!
Day 1 of golf and we head to the Ritz,
Feeling pretty fragile with swing on the fritz,
Before we tee off I pop some Aleve,
All becomes gravy when Dietrich slides on the Sleeve.
On the par 3 he nut flushes one on it,
And this is all whilst still in the closet.
Our host takes the medal and Caves win the day,
Gettemey’s sand save on 18, what can I say!!
After witnessing that and getting a boner,
We get in the shuttle and head back to Nona.
Day 2 is Isleworth and let me just start,
By saying what the f*** is up with all of that art?
Faceless weirdos and dongs hanging out,
A bull with giant nuts, what’s that all about?
Anyway, I digress lets get back to the game,
Actually, lets not that locker room is insane!!
Who won the day remains unknown,
All I recall is 3 point lasers were thrown.
On to Deweys cos’ we all wanted more,
All but one entered through the front door.
On the tee, he’s a cool mother f***er
From Afro-America….. Mr Leo Tucker!
Fast forward 3 hours, we’re in Nona Blue,
Four Cougars want a piece of the Varsity crew.
But when a few of the boys go to do an appraisal
The conclusion is… no double mouth lasers!
Back to the club for a drink and a joke,
But not before Bober orders a mouth laser and coke.
The final day and it’s full of suspense,
Big Macs from last night making rectal cavities tense.
The commander runs riot making deer his prey,
After striking it pure decides that he’s gay.
A hard day of golf and the scores are tied,
A laser of a chip that gets denied.
Up steps Fontana straight out of Scarface,
And holes the thing, what a f***ing disgrace!
Redemption will come, I have no doubt,
Nona win the day, but now the shoutout.
After a 30 foot bomb by one Dougy Fresh,
A missed short putt and it’s now sudden death.
Adrenaline pumping we’re all in a trance,
Feel the field like Bagger Vance.
Evenly poised until Fontana steps up,
He knocks it stiff winning Nona the cup!
Varsity cup, what a few days,
Absolutely unreal in so many ways.
Can this all be surpassed? God only knows,
Gatlins of gravy being fired to close.
2015 same time, same place,
In the meantime step back and f*** your own face!!!
– Tommy Murtagh
“Give me 20 umbrella’s, 30 razor blades, and 12 midgets-were going full peel down!”
– Jay Jones to the cart girl at Nona during the final round
– Jeff Jones on how the Varsity Cup dominates even the Super Bowl
– Dave McCarthy on how Jeff Jones became the Governor of three different states simultaneously
– Scott Ehrlich
– Jim McCarthy repeating this line to Jay Jones
– Jay Jones response to Scott Ehrlich quote
– Jay Jones about the little European trying to put the jackhammer on Dave’s pelvic section
– Jim McCarthy said it 476 times after hearing laughter from different participants and wanting the laugh as his ringtone
– Darren Doerr
– Email from Nurse May at mayo clinic to Jim McCarthy referring to her patient Joe Bucher
– Darren Doerr
– Bobby Mac
– Darren Doerr opening night after hoarding all the pro-v’s